Untitled How I Met Your Mother fanfic - (4 Parts)
Posted 27 October 2009 - 07:46 PM
Disclaimer- These charactors don't even remotely belong to me.
Summary- Barney think's he's allergic to commitment.
Kids, in the fall of 2009 your Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney had been dating for longer than Barney cared to admit. It seemed as though nothing could go wrong, but as we all know, things never stay that way for long.
“Barney’s been avoiding me all week,” Robin announces, sliding into the booth in McLarens next to Ted and across from Marshall and Lily.
Ted occupies himself with his drink while Lily and Marshall express outrage.
“Did you two have a fight?” asks Lily, a look of panic crossing her face.
“No!” Robin says, “That’s what I don’t understand. Things were going really well. I mean, he seemed sick the last couple times we hung out, so I thought he might have decided to stay away for a few days so he didn’t infect me, but why would he lie about that? He’s been making the most ridiculous excuses not to see me.”
Marshall grins shrewdly. “He didn’t tell you his crazy uncle escaped from prison again, did he?”
Frowning, Robin says, “No, he said it was his aunt.”
Marshall laughs. Lily punches him. “This isn’t funny!” she says, “If they break up, who will we go on double dates with?”
The smile vanishes from Marshall’s face. “Shit,” he says, leaning forward seriously. “Let’s figure this out. Have you ruled out Swine Flu?”
“Yes,” Robin says, “He’s still going to work, isn’t he? He doesn’t seem sick there, does he?”
Marshall shifts nervously and says, “Uh, Barney... we don’t really talk at work anymore.”
Robin looks as though she wants to ask questions about this, but instead shifts her focus onto Ted. “He hasn’t said anything to you, has he?”
Ted looks up as though surprised. “What? About avoiding you? No, nothing at all.”
That was a lie. In fact, I knew exactly why Barney was avoiding Robin. He’d cornered me a few hours previously.
A few hours previously.
“Ted, come with me. I need to talk to you in private.”
Looking up from his book, Ted looks around his apartment. “Barney, there’s nobody else here.”
Barney looks around. “Oh,” he says brightly, “We’ll stay here then.” He sits down on the couch beside Ted.
“What’s up?” Ted asks.
“Hhi...TCHAA!” is Barney’s immediate reply, sneezing forcefully into his lap. “Nn-CHHUH! Heh-shhii!”
Rolling his eyes and waving imagined germs out of the air in front of his face, Ted says, “Bless you.”
Barney looks up again- straight at Ted- with an expectant look.
“What?” asks Ted, setting down his book and throwing Barney a box of tissues.
“Don’t you see?” Barney asks, blowing his nose shortly, “I just ran into Robin at McLarens. Now I can’t stop sn... sneezing!” his eyelids flutter shut as his breath hitches, and he leans forward with the force of another sneeze. “HEHSHOO! EH-TTCHHHU!”
Ted raises his eyebrows. “Bless you. So what’s your point?”
Barney gives Ted an impatient look. “So,” he says as though it’s obvious, “I’m clearly allergic to being in a committed relationship.”
Grinning, Ted said, “I thought it might be something like that.”
“Hih-iissh!” Barney now gives Ted an incredulous look. “Well?” he demands, “What should I do about it? This is bad.”
“Barney...” Ted sighs. “You’re not allergic to commitment.”
Barney rolls his eye. “Yes Ted,” he says as though talking to a kindergartener, “I am. Every time I’m near her I start sneezing like crazy. Once I got hives. Hives Ted. I’m allergic to commitment.”
Ted sighs. “Barney, do you remember when you thought you were allergic to my beard, after Robin and I broke up?”
TBC as soon as I get back from class.
Posted 27 October 2009 - 07:54 PM
Very intruiging, and I love your writing style! I wondered for a second exactly what Barney you were referring to.
Posted 27 October 2009 - 09:44 PM
OH... MY GOD.
You have NO IDEA how much this made my day. Or my week, actually. I've just recently gotten into How I Met Your Mother, and NPH is beyond sexy. This is awesome. You are awesome. I WANT MORE.
I'd actually considered writing some HIMYM fiction here, but I wasn't sure if anyone would read it, and Im not much of a writer in the first place. xD This is definitely making me reconsider, though..
Posted 28 October 2009 - 02:13 AM
Sen Baret: I am IN LOVE with NPH. I would certainly read anything you might write about HIMYM. And I'm glad that you liked it.
Here's part two; it's a little lame, but I'm over it. This isn't meant to be great literature, after all.
Kids, you may remember that Robin lived in Argentina for several months after our relationship ended. My coping method was somewhat less drastic; I grew a beard.
While Robin was in Argentina
“Dude, didn’t I tell you the first day I met you that facial hair was not awesome?” Barney appears in the booth across from Ted, who is deep into his second pint of beer.
Looking up lazily, Ted gives an indifferent shrug. “Hi Barney.”
Barney opened his mouth to reply, but interrupts himself with a violent sneeze. “HASH-UHH!”
“Bless you,” Ted says flatly, but Barney holds up a finger, his face still contorted in anticipation of sneezing. “Ih-tchoo! SHOO! NN-xxxt!” He attempts to stifle the last sneeze, and coming out of the fit swearing under his breath. “Ted, you see that? I’m allergic to your beard. Didn’t I warn you?”
Stroking his thick facial hair with a reproachful look, Ted ignores this comment, and asks, “Did you hear from Lily and Marshall? Apparently the Loch Ness Monster ate candy out of Marshall’s hand.”
Barney glares at Ted, rubbing at his eyes rapidly. “Never mind that,” he says, “Didn’t you hear me? You have to shave.” He sneezes three times as though to emphasize his point. “Heh-ishho! Aah...TCHOO! Ishhuh!”
Ted takes a long sip from his beer. “I like the beard,” he says simply.
“Yeah,” Barney says emphatically, “But I’m allergic to it. It’s me or the... the... HAH-TCHUU! Ishhoo! Me or the beard, Ted.”
Rolling his eyes, Ted says, “You can’t be allergic to my beard.”
“Then explain to me why I started sneezing as soon as I sat down across from you.” He blows his nose into a napkin.
“I don’t know,” Ted says, “There’s probably something else in the air.”
Barney stifles another three sneezes. “No way,” he says, “I’m not allergic to the bar, Ted, I spend half of my life here.”
Ted watches with a hint of pity as Barney is overcome with what seems like the hundredth sneeze since he sat down. “HeSHOO!”
“So there’s something else.”
Eyeing the new growth of dark hair on Ted’s face with mistrust, Barney says, “Your beard is the only thing that’s changed around here Ted. Plus, it’s just not awesome.”
“I’m keeping the beard, Barney,” Ted says, “Maybe you should just leave.”
Barney eyes a woman at the bar, and nods, “Excellent idea, Ted.” He crosses the room and sits down beside her, sneezing twice into his suit jacket sleeve.
The woman turns to look at Barney, murmuring a blessing. “Thanks,” he sniffles, putting on a look of exaggerated gloom before his head snaps forward in yet another stream of three sneezes. “Hih-shhuuh! Eh-ttchhah! ISHHOO!”
“My goodness,” she says, “Are you feeling alright?”
Shrugging and looking convincingly miserable, Barney says, “I could be better.”
The woman now turns to face him. “Is there anything I can do?”
Barney looks up at her and grin, whispering something quietly in her ear. She grins, and the two leave the bar together after a few minutes of making out.
From the booth, Ted swears aloud, though he looks mildly impressed.
Later, Ted is alone in his apartment watching Star Wars when Barney bursts through the door, looking triumphant. “I’ve changed my mind!” he says, “You can keep the beard. Chicks dig sneezy strangers. Did you see that girl?”
Ted laughs. “Only you could pull that off, Barney,” he says.
Barney grins and sits down on an armchair. “And... here I go again.” He sneezes loudly, “Heh-iisssh! See? Beard.”
Frowning, Ted says, “It can’t possibly be the beard.”
Blinking rapidly as his eyes start watering, Barney says, “It’s the beard, Ted. Look, it’s immediate. As soon as I get near it. Nn-chhh! Ih-TTCHA!”
Ted watches Barney with an amused smirk. He stands up and leaves the room; Barney looks up from his sneezing fit and is surprised to see the couch vacated.
The bearded man returns carrying a tiny grey kitten in his arms.
Barney’s eyes bulge when they land on the kitten. “Since when have you had a... a c... Ishhoo! TCHOO! A cat?”
Ted strokes the mewing kitten. “This is Mittens,” he says, “I got her yesterday.”
Eyeing Mittens as though she were the devil, Barney asks, “Why Ted, why?”
Ted laughs. “You’re allergic to cats, aren’t you?”
Barney scowls. “Yes.”
Yelping in triumph, Ted says, “It’s not the beard.”
Posted 28 October 2009 - 04:03 AM
AWWW AND THE CAT ALLERGY. That's so adorable! I love that idea, do you mind if I play around with it? xD Haha. I'm totally determined to write something in this series now. Neil Patrick Harris is beyond yummy.
There will be more, yes? Pleaseeee?
And stfu about it being lame. BECAUSE IT ISN'T. Lololol.
Posted 28 October 2009 - 04:08 AM
by all means, play with the cat allergy. I do not own Barney or cat allergies. Go for it- seriously, I would LOVE to read whatever you come up with. Neil is too adorable for words.
Posted 28 October 2009 - 05:59 PM
Thanks for writing this- so much fun!!
Posted 28 October 2009 - 09:20 PM
Posted 28 October 2009 - 10:09 PM
Can't wait for the continuation.
Posted 28 October 2009 - 11:46 PM
Posted 29 October 2009 - 02:30 AM
This part is very very short AND without much sneezing, but unfortunately I don't have the time at the moment to write any more today. Tomorrow I should be able to get a lot more done, and maybe even finish it (maybe). Anyway, enjoy! (gee, the fact that people liked the first 2 parts makes me really nervous that the rest won't live up to your expectations. )
“Barney!” Lily appears at his side. He is sitting at the bar with his back to the booth where Robin sits alone.
“Oh hey Lily!” Barney says brightly, turning toward her.
Lily punches him in the arm, giving him an incredulous glare. “You prick, Barney! Why’re you avoiding Robin?”
Barney glances in Robin’s direction and then quickly away again. “I’m not avoiding Robin. Robin’s my girlfriend. Robin’s awesome.”
Staring at Barney as though he is crazy, Lily asks, “So why are you hiding over here when she’s at the booth?”
Swearing under his breath as though Lily has discovered a huge secret, Barney gives Lily a guilty grin.
“Well?” Lily’s voice becomes high pitched and demanding.
Tugging at his tie, Barney looks guiltily at Robin across the room. “Look,” he says, “You and Marshall have been together for like a bazillion years. You’ve built up immunity to commitment. For me it’s a completely foreign entity, and my body doesn’t know how to deal.”
Lily raises an eyebrow and surveys Barney questioningly. “Yeah,” she says, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I’m allergic to it, okay? I can’t get near Robin without sneezing my brains out.”
After a brief incredulous silence, Lily bursts out laughing. “Oh Barney,” she chuckles, “You can’t be serious?”
Grimly, Barney says, “I’m entirely serious. Allergic to Robin?”
“Allergic to being in a committed relationship,” Barney corrects.
Barney stands up. “You think so? Watch closely.” He walks confidently over to Robin, sliding in beside her in the booth and kissing her on the mouth. Lily watches from the bar.
Robin chokes on her drink in surprise, but recovers quickly. “Barney! Where have you been all week?”
“Around,” Barney says flatly with a shrug.
Rolling her eyes as Barney’s hand sneaks up her shirt, Robin says, “No, I’m serious, Barney.” She swats his hand away and pushes his head away as he attempt to kiss her neck. “I feel like you’re avoiding me.”
At this, Barney jumps back from her, his eyes narrowed and his mouth slightly open. With his breath hitching, he says, “I’m sorry Robin... I’ve just remembered... I have to... I have to call my mother.”
He dives away from the booth, silencing two sneezes into his hand as he stumbles out of sight from Robin. “NN-XXt! Ttchh!”
Robin looks around angrily, but Barney is hiding behind the next booth, invisible to her. She sighs, and gets up, leaving the bar sadly.
Barney reappears beside Lily, sniffling. “Did you see that?”
Lily looks unimpressed. Barney sneezes again, openly this time. “Hih-AASSSHUH! Eh-SHOOO!”
“Barney, it’s probably her perfume or something. Don’t you remember when we thought you were allergic to married women, just after I married Marshall?”
Rolling his eyes, Barney says, “Ted doesn’t believe me either. But Robin doesn’t wear perfume. She’s Canadian. Besides, all the evidence pointed toward me being allergic to married women. You were convinced.”
Posted 29 October 2009 - 02:38 AM
Again... this is too adorable. If you were to finish it, I would be so happy! But sad at the same time, because it would be over. Haha. Do what you want, I'm looking forward to reading more!
Posted 30 October 2009 - 05:17 PM
Ahahaha that made me crack up so hard. Actually I'm still laughing. Lol.
This is pure awesomeness! We definitely need more HIMYM fics.