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SneezingWhileLurking

Balancing Life / Commiting Adulting

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SneezingWhileLurking   
SneezingWhileLurking

I've had a lot change in my life recently (all for the better), but it's added a lot of stress regarding time management. I run a large corporate security detail for banking executives, and including my commute, I'm gone at least 10 hours a day save for weekends. On top of that, my wife also works, but she's usually gone in the afternoon by the time I get home, and she never seems to get weekends off. We make a lot of money combined, and have a promising future, but for right now it's really getting me depressed. For one thing, I have an issue with being envious of what others make and finding identity through annual income, and fought very hard to try to compete and afford a comfortable life. But even at upper middle class, for some reason I never seem to feel like we'll have enough, and always compare our income to others. On top of that, we have friends and family members wanting us to visit, and things we want to do together, but we rarely have time for even ourselves. Every week just sort of blurrs into the next, and days fly by like nothing. And of course then there's the stress that comes from being in charge of so much and so many people. None of this has caused any relationship issues, and I don't believe it ever would, but the only parts of my week that matter to me anymore are when my wife and I get to hang out together, and that's too infrequently. I'm wondering if anyone here has similar situations or anything like it, and maybe could offer some advice or encouragement. Adulting so much is hard.

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Junia   
Junia
4 hours ago, SneezingWhileLurking said:

I'm wondering if anyone here has similar situations or anything like it, and maybe could offer some advice or encouragement.

I am kinda doubtful that you're going to find too many people here in your situation/feeling angsty about making the kind of money you do, frankly.

It might be hard to fit into your schedule, but I've found therapy very helpful for putting things in life into clearer perspective. A lot of therapists are very flexible, able to do sessions evenings or weekends or even Skype call. Maybe you would find that beneficial?

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Arty   
Arty

What time you and your wife can spend with each other, make those precious moments count. Even if to text or call her for a bit and tell her you love her. Little notes on her bedside table to show her you think of her even though you both work really hard. While she is not my wife, both my best friend and I are full time teachers. Plus I also attend grad school and my living situation is no longer good anymore for my family and I. Like you....I work hours on end on my feet. Im not just a teacher but an emotional support for my special educated students. I have a lot going on. When I can....i try to just send a little text to my friend to let her know that one im alive and two im thinking of her. She snd I have that relationship that we can go two yrs of no talk and suddenly one of us will tect the other and its like we just saw each other the  day before. Whatever time you have with your wife, use that time to show her you always have her on your mind. Good luck with everything.

Edited by Arty

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SneezingWhileLurking   
SneezingWhileLurking
20 hours ago, Junia said:

I am kinda doubtful that you're going to find too many people here in your situation/feeling angsty about making the kind of money you do, frankly.

It's only about 60k, which I understand is a lot. A year ago we had no income, and were completely broke. Very quickly we fell into middle class income, and we have low living expenses. My issue is that even after what would be considered massive success to most people, for some reason I never feel like it's a "victory". Once I hear of someone else I know is making way more, I feel like we're still poor compared to them. It's a character issue, one that comes from viewing everything like a competition. Your advice on seeking professional counseling I think is actually the best solution. No matter how encouraging and proud people are of us, I need to figure out why I always focus on feeling inferior instead of having perspective. Thank you so much.

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SneezingWhileLurking   
SneezingWhileLurking
17 hours ago, Arty said:

What time you and your wife can spend with each other, make those precious moments count. Even if to text or call her for a bit and tell her you love her. Little notes on her bedside table to show her you think of her even though you both work really hard.

Thank you so much for this. It actually made me cry. I was lucky enough to get to spend time with her after work yesterday, and this post helped me really value that time with her. I just had a teleconference with a big new government client (who actually used to work for Obama :o) that wants me to run one of his contracts, with an added benefit that I'll get to decide when I work each week, so I'm hoping I'll be able craft my hours more around hers. Thank you again for the encouragement and support!

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March Hare   
March Hare

Consider your reasons for wanting to make a lot of money, and do so very carefully. When comparing your income to others', who are those others? what kind of lives do they lead? Are they happier than you are, or could they be pretending? If they are happier, is it just because of the money? Do you have lofty long-term goals that require some extent of material wealth? 

Consider, also, that as far as reality goes, the amount of money you have is usually inversely related to the amount of time you have. Early retirement is a pretty rocky road to walk, and the destination is uncertain.

Contemplate your actual priorities, both short-term and long-term. Don't scarifice either to the other. 

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tma   
tma

I figure that sometimes you have to just prioritize - even though it is crappy.  At least for the hours, you feel that you are getting good compensation.  Teaching... long hours and not so much of the compensation - but I love it.

 For some people financial security is a very high priority- even if they are making a very good income.  I don't judge on that.  For others, they need to feel passion for their job.  Others need to feel like they are "making a difference".  Some view work as the way to fulfill goals and passions; others (by choice or necessity) use work as just a way to get cash to be able to do the things that give them joy and purpose.

If you are really feeling like you are missing out on an area of your life, I would explore with your S.O. options to have a regular way to connect.  Arty's idea of little notes and calls are something simple that you can even do before talking with the SO.  Carving out "date night" time can be hard when one is starting out in their field- but I feel like it can make a big difference.  Maybe, one night - no to friends and family.

Additionally, you can explore options regarding your job.  If the only thing that is tying you to it is the financial security, and it feels like it is draining the life out of you, maybe think about that.  Look into options for staying in your field (if you enjoy it), that perhaps allow more flexibility without too huge of a pay cut.  Don't get too discouraged.  I know that sometimes part of it is that you have to slave for a few years to be able to have things calm down a little bit to reap more of the rewards.  But there is that line of "Ok, I'll hack this for (X) amount of time in order to get (Y) goal" and "The company owns my soul"  

 

Just some random thoughts

 

 

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Arty   
Arty
6 hours ago, SneezingWhileLurking said:

Thank you so much for this. It actually made me cry. I was lucky enough to get to spend time with her after work yesterday, and this post helped me really value that time with her. I just had a teleconference with a big new government client (who actually used to work for Obama :o) that wants me to run one of his contracts, with an added benefit that I'll get to decide when I work each week, so I'm hoping I'll be able craft my hours more around hers. Thank you again for the encouragement and support!

Glad it helped. :) good luck :)

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SneezingWhileLurking   
SneezingWhileLurking
On 9/14/2017 at 0:22 PM, March Hare said:

Consider your reasons for wanting to make a lot of money, and do so very carefully. When comparing your income to others', who are those others? what kind of lives do they lead? Are they happier than you are, or could they be pretending? If they are happier, is it just because of the money? Do you have lofty long-term goals that require some extent of material wealth? 

Consider, also, that as far as reality goes, the amount of money you have is usually inversely related to the amount of time you have. Early retirement is a pretty rocky road to walk, and the destination is uncertain.

Contemplate your actual priorities, both short-term and long-term. Don't scarifice either to the other. 

 

On 9/14/2017 at 2:11 PM, tma said:

I figure that sometimes you have to just prioritize - even though it is crappy.  At least for the hours, you feel that you are getting good compensation.  Teaching... long hours and not so much of the compensation - but I love it.

 For some people financial security is a very high priority- even if they are making a very good income.  I don't judge on that.  For others, they need to feel passion for their job.  Others need to feel like they are "making a difference".  Some view work as the way to fulfill goals and passions; others (by choice or necessity) use work as just a way to get cash to be able to do the things that give them joy and purpose.

If you are really feeling like you are missing out on an area of your life, I would explore with your S.O. options to have a regular way to connect.  Arty's idea of little notes and calls are something simple that you can even do before talking with the SO.  Carving out "date night" time can be hard when one is starting out in their field- but I feel like it can make a big difference.  Maybe, one night - no to friends and family.

Additionally, you can explore options regarding your job.  If the only thing that is tying you to it is the financial security, and it feels like it is draining the life out of you, maybe think about that.  Look into options for staying in your field (if you enjoy it), that perhaps allow more flexibility without too huge of a pay cut.  Don't get too discouraged.  I know that sometimes part of it is that you have to slave for a few years to be able to have things calm down a little bit to reap more of the rewards.  But there is that line of "Ok, I'll hack this for (X) amount of time in order to get (Y) goal" and "The company owns my soul"  

 

Just some random thoughts

 

 

These were so well put that I've saved them to go over whenever it gets to me. Thank you all very much. This has all helped immensely.

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